Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	saosin - seven years

nothing was ever right but im only here to blame myself
everything is out of place. before last night i was happy. well at least i had someone who cared for me, but that all changed last night. seems to me im not worth it. i have kept alot of things to myself. i dont write it down, nor do i put it on here, but all of this holding back has caused me to break. i dont want to yell at him but he hurt me. im not supposed to get hurt because i dont hurt him. i wanted to help him, i wanted to be with him, but feelings werent mutual. i add this momment to the neverending list of heartbreaks. when the lights go out tonight, the moonlight i see will be blurred by these tears. no one on the other end of my phone. like times before in my old livejournal , for those who ever read it, i say that i will get over it and which isnt true but i honestly try. this also leads to how i lost alot of friends over the years. guendy must be the one i really miss. lucas is the only one who has stuck around. and the way i have treated him or have been treating him i dont think hes going to stay much longer. but thats fine, if thats the way its meant to be. i miss being myself.carver days were fun. wrestling after school with nancy and alejandra and a bunch of other kids. recently i have watched old videos of me and i saw how outgoing and goofy i was. but all has changed. four years ago was the last time i was happy which was before i met ricardo who made my life a living hell. then as years passed so did my chances of getting it together but instead i kept digging the hole i lay in now. i can only dwell on the past. my future doesnt seem to be getting any clearer to me. im so depressed and he has only added to that as well as other people. i dont who to turn to. im so embarrassed. music is my only friend. lyrics give me the advice i crave and the music itself helps create an illusion in my head of how i want it to be and will never be.