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me llamo connie. y tu quien eres?
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| your making your way over again. |
[23 Aug 2004|11:05pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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brand new - the no seatbelt song |
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give-and-take games with my heart. he plays what she plays. but he has a way of making it all better. after the break up on friday, i never wanted to speak to him again. seems my suspisions were correct. he had another girl. yes of course i was heart broken. maybe more than ever. but im forgetting how to feel. seems these heartbreaks are so common theres no use in getting involved. but i couldnt stop talking to him. so i thought i could do it better in person. to tell him this heart of mine could take no more of his selfishness. he walked through the door. stood tall but looked down at his feet. he looked so drained. as did i. we talked it over. but i told him i didnt want to see or hear of him after he left my house. he stook around after the conversation. i guess i couldnt take not being with him even after the way he betrayed me. ive been cheated on before, i can make an exception. call me stupid, call me what you please, we make these disicions to please the heart.
yesterday my parents left to dallas and he came by. the day was filled with sweettalk and kisses, remenising and making history.this is what i always wanted. from him and from god. its so good to have him back. maybe thats what he needed. some alone time with me. but still this heart of mine feels sore. i love him so much. i dont know much of love. love is a word so commonly used by those who feel this way. im so gulible. im prepared though. i dont think hes going to do it again. i may be wrong. for the time that we remain together i will make the best of it. he says he will but then again he says alot of things. i dont mean to be negative i just mean to be cautious. only if he knew how in love i am with him. hes beautiful. we are beautiful...
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| im falling into disorder |
[20 Aug 2004|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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the lyndsay diaries-the consequences of learning how to fly |
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so i gave him a second chance. now 3 days later and hes giving me signals. signals of not wanting to be with me again. so i made yet another mistake. again my heart has to take this torture. i have to wait til midnight for him to once again break my heart. once again i will fall into the hole of single depression. i cant win in any situation. they all have the same outcome. i asked for ten minutes of his time. he said he didnt have ten minutes for me. oh heart settle down. you know this is your fate. forgive me for opening my mouth and puttin you through this.
i love him. i really do.
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| dear broken heart, happy birthday |
[16 Aug 2004|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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dead poetic - bliss tearing eyes |
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yesterday was my birthday. yesterday my love left me.
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| i forgot to tie my shoes before i left the house this morning |
[20 Jul 2004|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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 devious |
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music |
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the lawrence arms - brickwall views |
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javier handcuffed me to a file cabinet at work and then farted on my foot. such torture oh such torture. new carpet smells bad. random? yes. unnecessary? nope.
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| one day he will commit suicide |
[29 Jun 2004|03:59am] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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the postal service - the district sleeps alone tonight |
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was at warped tour yesterday. pretty extreme stuff. the rain sucked. i was completely soaked from head to toe. but all worth it. got there late. 3:30. tbs was signing at 3:30 so we ran from the gate to the back where the half pipe was but too late. the guy cut us off. told us "this is it". that bastard. saw a bunch of friends. i finally met the coolest guy ever Quicoy. that kid is cool. he got adams sock. lucky little bas ... alrighty haha. well i got to see some cool bands. got the soty poster signed. spent time with my lovely josh which makes the highlight of my day. hes so beautiful. got front row at when tbs was playing. well not really front but behind this fat girl. it was insane. hah saw sabastian on stage. haha i was like "i know that guy!". bought a bunch of merch. my sister josh and i spent about 300 bucks worth of merch. but oh well. well worth it. ::yawns:: well off to bed.
josh<3 hes beautiful. love love love him. hes what i always asked for. those lonely nights alone. someone like him. god answered one prayer. hope i get to keep him.
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| i must say... |
[28 Jun 2004|08:14am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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mae - this is the last time |
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good day for a warped tour.
away for the day. away away from my prison.
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| she stands so small from where im standing |
[26 Jun 2004|02:54pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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music |
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emery - the secret |
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she asked me to kill myself. oh what a mother. it hurts to think about it. but they say talking about it helps. so i am. i cant get help. i tried. but i get in trouble. i ask them everyday to help me. but they turn away and i can hear them from the distance shouting out at me how much ive fucked up and how i am a fuck up. in my point of view and to those who know me , i havent fucked up at all. they just view things in a negative way to blow it out of proportion. my life is an example of how to view yourselves as lucky. i wish i took it for granted.
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| lets go back in time and think about how particularly uneventless it has been |
[22 Jun 2004|12:37pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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music |
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northstar - the pornographers daughter |
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when worst came to worst, josh and i got caught making out in my room. we didnt really get caught in the action but my dad went looking for me upstairs and he went through my siss room to get to mine and we had time to just jet out of my room in to the living room but we couldnt play it off. my dad was pissed. thought i was in there loosing my virginity but that is never going to be an issue with me. but anyways im not allowed to see him anymore. they took my car AGAIN and i still dont have a cell phone. add to this i dont have anymore friends. so basically im alone. and really look at it. its not that im sad about what has happened, im sad about how it always happens. i cant look back in my life and say "i remember when we did this and this and this" no no no i spend my days here wishing for a life of another. even when josh and i were allowed to see each other, i was limited to how long and that was only twice a week for only two hours. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS. IM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING THIS WAY. last night i looked over this composition book with my thoughts written in it and i realized that theres alot of repetition on what clearly makes me unhappy and how exactly i can be happy. but for my parents thats just to much to ask. i have also had excess amount of suicide subjects. i know it isnt the asnwer but the thought is all i have really. not that im going to do it or anything but it is there as a option. and to think i read them outloud while josh was on the phone, all he said to me was "i dont want to hear this bullshit" then later apologized for yelling at me. see this is another issue ive had. i have so much anger and loneliness locked inside me but there is no one to tell. when i was hanging out with mariana it was all fun and games. no serious talk, just fun. and it was great until the liqour was getting involved. it brought happiness but in the morning i felt guilt. but what is the point of writing about this now. nothing will change. this is my life. after college and after what ever is after. this father of mine i hate. he has made me less of a person and more of a doll sitting on the shelf collecting dust, and for protection purposes, he locks the door to that room in which i sit in and occasionally lets people come in to point and laugh.
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| a repeat for things that can only repeat |
[10 Jun 2004|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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taking back sunday - a decade under the influence |
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thats what my life is, a repeat of yesterday. my lj is lame. every entry is lame. and all i can do is complain. that rhymed **eerie**. im a good girl i promise. only if they could understand. im so confusing. try to guess what ill say next. dont worry. ill say nothing. because im done.
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| life isnt life without boredom |
[10 Jun 2004|09:04pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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coheed and cambria - three evils |
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seems im full of boredom. i keep getting into trouble for the little things. and i got myself into a huge dilemma. i dont care really. it was bound to happen. i was waiting for this day long before school ended. just something my little(not really) head does on its own. my parents are completely nuts. there is not changing them. im not allowed to do alot of things now. not that i was able to do in the first place. but now im only allowed to stay home... and die. i dont have a car anymore. and i have to be with them when they say so. what a life i have. jeezus cmon. no one lives like this. the problem i got myself into isnt that big a deal. im completely innocent of all charges (not that there are any). the big men are involved. i asked god to send me something to work with so i can get out of this place if not body then soul and he sends me trouble, something i can easily get over with and then continue with this life of mine.
they say im suicidal. i say im hungry.
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| an update on something worth updating for |
[26 May 2004|10:25pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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emery - disguising mistakes with goodbyes |
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so im grounded... for waht you ask... silly reason really. i didnt tell my parents where i was off to for the better half of the day. they took my little car away :( and im unable to go out for the rest of the week. its ok though. i will be destructive hee hee lets see how fast the couch burns away. what sucks the most is not being able to hang out with josh<3. and of course my friends.
on the calendar day may 7th, a surprising event was penciled in. seems i found me a boyfriend. a really nice one too. he shines. makes my insides feel beautiful. hes beautiful. we are beautiful.
my esophagus is swollen. im afraid to tell my parents because saturday i was being a bad girl with liquor. and sunday morning i tried swollowing pills without water. and how painfully uncomfortable that was.
so much for being straight edge. i honestly dont want to be this way anymore. i dont need the attention. im only 5ft and 118 lbs. but the weight i put on their shoulders causes us to collapse.
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| blehk... |
[20 Apr 2004|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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coheed and cambria - delirium trigger |
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being single for oh so long (over years.... literally) can really get lonely. :(
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| nothing was ever right but im only here to blame myself |
[23 Mar 2004|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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saosin - seven years |
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everything is out of place. before last night i was happy. well at least i had someone who cared for me, but that all changed last night. seems to me im not worth it. i have kept alot of things to myself. i dont write it down, nor do i put it on here, but all of this holding back has caused me to break. i dont want to yell at him but he hurt me. im not supposed to get hurt because i dont hurt him. i wanted to help him, i wanted to be with him, but feelings werent mutual. i add this momment to the neverending list of heartbreaks. when the lights go out tonight, the moonlight i see will be blurred by these tears. no one on the other end of my phone. like times before in my old livejournal , for those who ever read it, i say that i will get over it and which isnt true but i honestly try. this also leads to how i lost alot of friends over the years. guendy must be the one i really miss. lucas is the only one who has stuck around. and the way i have treated him or have been treating him i dont think hes going to stay much longer. but thats fine, if thats the way its meant to be. i miss being myself.carver days were fun. wrestling after school with nancy and alejandra and a bunch of other kids. recently i have watched old videos of me and i saw how outgoing and goofy i was. but all has changed. four years ago was the last time i was happy which was before i met ricardo who made my life a living hell. then as years passed so did my chances of getting it together but instead i kept digging the hole i lay in now. i can only dwell on the past. my future doesnt seem to be getting any clearer to me. im so depressed and he has only added to that as well as other people. i dont who to turn to. im so embarrassed. music is my only friend. lyrics give me the advice i crave and the music itself helps create an illusion in my head of how i want it to be and will never be.
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| this world has nothing to offer a human soul |
[22 Mar 2004|01:23am] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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blindside - midnight |
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</3::tears::</3
ive got a perfectly normal heart, bruised and broken from within. at times I dont know how to start to let you in here. -copeland
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| i surrender |
[14 Mar 2004|03:55pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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mars volta - televators |
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for you who call me ... i gave my cellphone away. oh and i dont have a car anymore.
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| youve had your chance, now say goodbye |
[13 Mar 2004|11:09pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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nothing better - the postal service |
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i am not myself today.
boys ... they only use me. how stupid of me to think he ever cared.
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| deleted not restored |
[07 Mar 2004|02:18am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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armor for sleep - raindrops |
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wow (monotoned) ... everything got deleted from this computer. all my precious pics ereased. all those memories lost. oh well it was bound to happen. hmmm im so sad right now. its so confusing. someone new is in my life and i like it <3felix<3 hes a great kid. hes so quiet and he keeps to himself. great kid. sally called me today. only talked to him for a few minutes. i kept having him call me back because my parents and i were argueing and not only that i was being advised on wahts going on in their lives. spring break is coming up. i have no one to spend it with . totally wish i had a bf. i got my car fixed again. battery ran out and today i spent all afternoon washing it. looks great. felix's phone was low on battery and died. i wish he would call me back. chances of that happening 0%...
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| please forgive me for i dont know what to do |
[23 Feb 2004|11:26pm] |
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music |
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boys night out - hold on tightly, let go lightly |
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a friend is in need of help and i cant help because im making things worse. most of their grief is because of me. i dont know why. i have what i need financially yes, but i lack something much more important than money. i lack love. i give my heart to those who say they care and next thing you know they dissapear for weeks. whats the use in caring anymore. no one does. here i go again. the main reason i started a new lj was to forget how depressed i am and create a happy lj, the better part of my life. but it seems i cant get around that.
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| the frequent sensation of making out |
[22 Feb 2004|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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mana - mariposa |
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woa yesterday i bought $300 worth of clothing. and today i bought some steve madden shoes and i added on to my collection of button up shirts. grrr today was incredibly boring. haha i noticed today that i scare boys away :). im so cool haha jk. :(.
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